She left

I was sitting there, staring at the empty room. Five minutes ago she was there saying goodbye like it was a normal thing to do. But… But how could I get use to it?

The thing about trying to have the world is kind of simple. You won’t get it. You never will. It’s impossible to have and see everything. It’s impossible to keep everyone.

She left. She was smiling at me for the last moment. Her eyes were shining and I could see her happiness and sadness at the same time. That’s because we both were happy and sad. But I’m just sad now since I can’t see her smile anymore.

Going out there is breaking my heart. Every single day. This wasn’t suppose to be worse with goodbyes. As Bilbo Baggins use to say “it’s a dangerous business going out of your door”.

She left. She could stay hours talking to me about anything. She could and she stayed, for eight months. But the world called for her again and she needed to cross the ocean.

She left and I’m sitting here by myself, wondering if someday I would be able to understand this nostalgic feeling. Because staying might be worse than taking the airplane. Somehow I’m leaving as well.

I wonder now if she knows she is not alone, I wonder if she knows she was important to me. I don’t know if I was able to express it as it should be. I don’t know if crying would be the answer for it.

It isn’t simple to say “Thank you for everything and I wish you all the luck in this world.” Even when I mean it with all my heart. It’s not simple and it doesn’t seem enough.

To all my friends, to those who are always there somewhere.

New and old package.

There was nothing else to do but wait. Wait for the train and for what should come after that. Wait for the flight, for the bus and then for the new life. While waiting she turned on the cellphone, it was off since she left home so there was no need to see all the same posts again. But as I said before, there was nothing else to do.

The internet was on and she could read all the updates on facebook about people’s life. Another common thing that you can not run away anymore. All you need is internet to know that your aunt is on a new diet. Nothing important she checked, nothing but people editing their lives to any person who can reads. Turned off, it was a new phase, maybe one without social network, but let’s be honest who can actually live without it nowadays? Especially when you are going far away from what you know. Everybody was editing, she would probably do the same. She wouldn’t post about how lonely was to wait for the train, but people would definitely see how amazing was the new city ahead.

The idea of changing his life was still there. But can you actually do that? Can you actually just take the train and change everything? Well, the answer in most of the cases is: no. You can’t. You’re gonna to watch yourself watching some stuff on internet while you try to rebuild what you was used to. And then you can realize it will always be with you, even when you change everything else. But by the end of the day, in the boredom of the station, this is not a bad thing. She laugh, her mother was just sending pictures of her brother sleeping.

The train came, the phone was off again – it would be a good thing for someone who was always addicted to networks -. A book still a better company for a trip than a iPhone. When she got in there was nothing else to worry about. The good things were in the package and the bad ones left behind somewhere else. Like an old cliché.

You always get the feeling that something might be wrong when you leave a place, even when you don’t have actually sure what else is ahead. But this feeling is older than we all think and it is universal. You can see it in the eyes of those who are always leaving and in the eyes of those who never left. The fears and the doubts are all the same, it might change the address once or twice, but when you leave some of them behind, be sure you will find a whole package full of new ones when you arrive at the destination. But again, that’s not a bad thing, it wasn’t for the one waiting for the train, it wouldn’t be for you.

In life, all that we do is replace the old package for a new one. Sometimes you don’t even need to take a train to do it, sometimes you just need to turn off the cellphone for a while.

Making friends again

I can’t say I was unfriendly but for last five years (before leave my hometown) I was with the same friends, I didn’t actually talk to new people, only for daily stuff as college or work. I was use to the same people, the same old and good friends and I actually thought I didn’t have to make new ones or even talk and try to. 

But when I decided to go abroad and leave the routine behind and realized that not talking to new people – and when I say talk I mean really try to get to know them – was forcing me to go even deeper on my own routine. And well, the boredom from this routine was one of the reasons of my dissatisfaction. So when you go abroad you are forced to try to make new friends somehow – maybe for your own nature or maybe for the whole social thing – it is easier to get close to people at least for the beginning. 

So now I can say I have more people who I’m always talking to than before, even I’m living here only for six months, of course only a few of them are actually close friends but when I say “making friends” it isn’t only about those who you know everything about it, it’s also about those people who sometimes invites you for dinner or a drink. 

What I realized from now it’s that people are as effective as cities when you really want to change your reality. You don’t actually need a new place to change, you just need a new subject to talk sometimes and this kind of thing you can find easily. You just have to look in the corner, be kind with somebody, ask how as the day and smile. It is not that hard, communication it is not that hard, the huge problem is that we make ourselves unable to trust and listen to others and when you open your mind for this you can communicate and get to know people even in languages that you are not fluent in.

 

 

 

I wish now only to be on my own armchair

So the name of this blog is related to The hobbit, also some of the posts. All of this probably because I really like bilbo baggins as a character and since I’m as much reader as traveller I
thought it was a great idea putting both together.

So what’s with the armchair? Now after 10 days traveling I came back to my second home (which is really far from my actually hometown) and I really felt like I needed some break. But break from a break?

Kind of. I came back, I slept on my own bed, I cooked my dinner and by the end of the day I watched some of my favorite movies. Well, the feeling was with me. Something weird about my Baggins side getting stronger and making me stay at home.

After 7 months away I got tired, enough to call home and talk to my grandmom. Enough to re-watch supernatural. But then I opened the computer and I saw my photographs. And I realized I needed more.

I started to plan my third eurotrip while I was in my armchair. The feeling came back even when I was really tired from the last one.

My Baggins was fighting with my Took side again. But both were making me as happy as somebody could be.
I’m as happy here as I was traveling. It’s like I needed both to survive, like I was learning how to control and plan both while building my own story.
So please, let’s do it again.

Give me my books, good food for a while and with time I will probably be able to just escape again to another adventure.

We never thought about that.

Sitting in a pub with a friend in Budapest. He isn’t not from here, the guy came from our city one month ago. He is about to do the same thing I did last semester.

We are leaving (we were) everything behind to try something new. Seven months ago I couldn’t imagine it would be this way. Seven months ago he couldn’t imagine the same. He just told me he would never think about leaving the country before get the degree. And even so here we are drinking a good beer and talking about how different our lives are. And how different everything will be now.

We changed everything and there is no way to come back. We will not be the same, we are not the same now. It’s not the same subject. One year ago we wouldn’t look, think or be this way. One year ago and we wouldn’t imagine we would be here in the opposite side of the world.

This is not a interesting post, it’s more about how different I’m feeling right now and how happy I am to see I’m not the only one from home who is doing the same. Sometimes I’m really good doing everything by myself, but also it’s really amazing to share the experience.

All my love

I was never the kind of person who actually talks about love. Not with my mother, brother or any boyfriend or whatever. I was never actually kind or lovely, I was always complaining or looking for the bad sad. This wasn’t bad, as matter of fact I was really good at it and satisfied.

But I’m also a big fan of happiness. I’ve Always followed what I wanted for me and what it should be. When I realized traveling was my favorite thing I made all the plans for it. When I discovered my love and my wishes I also found the love that I have for everything else.

I love my family, despite all the ridiculous stuff that we have and that I have always wanted to run away from them. But I love them, I love every single moment with them. Everything that made me be who I am. I love them but I think I have never actually said it before. Especially to my grandmother, she is probably my favorite person in this world and I miss her smell. And her eyes. I think I will never be able to forget her eyes.

I love my books. An old passion. An old love. I never lied about this and most of the people close to me knows. I love learn, I might be lazy for studying but I love learn. I love have something different to tell.

I love my hometown, despite all the problems and all the people that I have always said that I hate. I still hating a lot of stuff there but I love the warmness and the blue sky. I love how simple everything can be when you just come back to the place you come from.

I love my old friends. All their names and faces come to my mind everyday. It breaks my heart knowing I’m gonna miss them way more. But I love all the moments that we had, all the laughs and how they used to make me feel so special, important.

I love creativity. I love when people made something good from a boring thing or when you can just have an amazing time with nothing but good jokes.

I love every place I have been to. I love the cold and the rain, the sun and the sky. I love snow (but I also hate it). I have everything inside me, in some kind of strange memory that builds and rebuilds myself everyday. I love the different persons that I am.

And finally I love the different persons that I met. Every one of them. But I hate the goodbyes, it breaks my heart every time. But I love the fact I have something of them with me as I have the cities and the days. As I have myself.

Somehow in the middle of all of this I learned how to love people, how to keep love and look for the peace inside myself. It’s not completely done, I can feel the old one coming sometimes, but it’s way better than before.

I love feeling the love instead of the indifference. Knowing that life can be good as long as you look for it. and I hope someday you can also be able to do it.

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Lose yourself to find something else

How lost should I be? Well, don’t know. It was suppose to meet a friend of mine in Berlin. I took the subway (metro) I tried to find the place, but everything it’s really funny when you have no idea where are you going to and worse, when you don’t even know the language.

This “lost” sensation it’s probably one of the bests, the kind of thing that takes you away from the comfortable zone and makes you actually trust in yourself because you don’t have anything else to do.

I lost myself, I was lost in Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Scotland and I lost me again in Germany. It couldn’t be better. this strange and long feeling that you can always take care of yourself it’s probably the most human sensation. It’s about survive and knowledge, the kind of thing you only absolve if you are by yourself.

Believe me. There is nothing wrong with it. There is nothing wrong in being lost, nothing wrong in lose yourself. It’s nice to let it go once. Twice. Maybe one more time.

It’s nice to lose and to gain something back.